Jokes
As any of my friends can tell you, about 5% of my brain capacity is occupied by a vast repository of really bad jokes. I don't mean bad in the sense that they'd make you (or even your mother) blush, or that they would necessarily offend anyone (though you never really know about that these days either). I mean that any typical person begins to groan in agony after only a handful. However, judging by the fact that at nearly every social event I attend, a round of my jokes is usually requested, I've come to the conclusion that short, clean (most of them anyway), stupid jokes fulfill some sort of basic need in the human soul. At the risk of becoming yet another lame web page that has a joke repository, here is a spattering of my trademark jokes. Remember, though, there's more on this site than just jokes and links, so I can retain at least a little of my dignity in my battle against lack of substance on the web....
Your Ordinary Unforgivably Dumb Jokes
What is brown and sticky?
A stick.
What's orange and sounds like a parrot?
A carrot
How do you catch a unique rabbit?
"Unique" up on it.
How do you catch a tame rabbit?
"Tame" way.
What do you call a defective boomerang?
A stick.
What do you call a fish with no eye?
FSH.
What do you call a deer with no eye?
No ideer.
What do you call bears with no ears?
B.
What do you call a dog with no legs?
Doesn't matter— he can't come to you anyway.
What do you do with a dog with no legs?
Take him out for a drag.
When geese fly south, why is one side of the V usually longer than
the other?
There are more geese on that side.
What do you call Santa's helpers?
Subordinate clauses.
What's yellow and gooey and smells like bananas?
Monkey snot.
Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
They have big fingers.
Why does Tigger smell bad?
He's always playing with pooh.
What do Billy the Kid and Winnie the Pooh have in common?
Same middle name.
What do you call a missing parrot?
A polygon.
Did you hear about the cat who swallowed a ball of yarn?
She had mittens.
Did you hear about the human cannonball who lost his job?
They needed a guy of better caliber.
What do you get when you cross an alligator and a railroad track?
Three pieces of alligator.
What has four legs and is green and fuzzy, and if it falls out of a tree will kill you?
A pool table.
Vegetable and Fruit Jokes
How do you make a strawberry shake?
Put it into the freezer until it shivers.
What's green and sings?
Elvis Parsley.
How do you make a peach into a vegetable?
Step on it and make it squash.
Why did the orange stop running?
It ran out of juice.
You know how to make gold soup?
Add 24 carrots.
Which part of a vegetable is the hardest part to eat?
The wheelchair.
What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
Anyone can roast beef.
Did you hear about the two peanuts who were out too late?
One was a salted.
A mushroom walks into a bar. The bartender says, "We don't serve vegetables!" The mushroom responds, "But I'm a fungi!"
Why were the little strawberries sad?
Because their parents were stuck in a jam.
Elephant Jokes
How do you kill a blue elephant?
With a blue elephant gun.
How do you kill a pink elephant?
Hold its nose until it turns blue, and shoot it with a blue elephant gun.
How do you kill a white elephant?
Tickle it pink, hold its nose until it turns blue, and shoot it with a blue elephant gun.
How do you kill a yellow elephant?
Who's ever heard of a yellow elephant?
Why do elephants wear sandals?
So they don't sink in the sand.
Why do ostriches stick their head in the ground?
To look for elephants who forgot their sandals.
What's the difference between an elephant and a pickle?
Pickles forget.
What's the difference between an elephant and a grape?
Grapes are purple.
What did Jane say when the elephants came over the hill?
"Look, here come the grapes!" (Jane was colorblind.)
What did Tarzan say when the elephants came over the hill?
"Pack your bags, Jane. Here come the elephants!" Tarzan wasn't colorblind.
What did Tarzan say when the elephants wearing sunglasses came over the hill?
Nothing. He didn't recognize them.
What did Tarzan say when the giraffes came over the hill?
"You pesky elephants fooled me before, but not this time!"
How do you hide an elephant?
Paint his toenails red and put him up in an cherry tree.
Did you ever see an elephant in an cherry tree?
It works, doesn't it?
How did Tarzan die?
Picking cherries.
How many elephants fit in a Volkswagen?
Four. Two in the front and two in the back.
How do you put an elephant into a Volkswagen?
Open door, insert the elephant, close door.
How do you put an elephant into the refrigerator?
Open Volkswagen door, remove elephant, close Volkswagen door, open refrigerator door, insert elephant, close refrigerator door.
How do you get a giraffe into the refrigerator?
Open door, remove elephant, insert giraffe, close door.
The lions threw a party and invited all the animals. They all came except for one. Which?
The giraffe. He was still in the refrigerator.
How do you know if an elephant has been in your refrigerator?
Footprints in the butter.
How do you know if two elephants are in your refrigerator?
Two sets of footprints in the butter.
How do you know if three elephants are in your refrigerator?
You can't get the door closed.
How do you know if four elephants are in your refrigerator?
There's a Volkswagen parked out front.
How do you fit eight elephants into the refrigerator?
Put four in a Volkswagen, four in a second Volkswagen, open the refrigerator door, insert Volkswagens, close refrigerator door. (A fridge big enough to hold four elephants can surely hold two Volkswagens.)
Why are there so many elephants in the jungle?
No one had a refrigerator big enough to hold them all.
How do you know if Tarzan is in your refrigerator?
The air vent goes, "Aiyeee-oyoooooh-oyoooooooooh!"
How do you get two Tarzans in the refrigerator?
There's only one Tarzan, silly.
How many legs does an elephant have?
Four. Two in the front and two in the back.
Why don't elephants make good dancers?
They have two left feet.
What's flat and feathery and half an inch tall?
A duck who tried to teach an elephant how to dance.
Why do ducks have webbed feet?
To stomp out forest fires.
Why do elephants have flat feet?
To stomp out flaming ducks. [This was voted the #1 funniest joke in Belgium, by the way]
What did the elephant say when the tiger grabbed his tail?
"Yep, that's the end of me."
What do you find between an elephant's toes?
Slow pygmies.
What do you do if you get eaten by an elephant?
Run around and around until you're pooped out.
How do you know if there's an elephant in your sandwich?
It's too heavy to lift off the plate.
How do you know if there's an elephant hiding under your bed?
Your nose touches the ceiling.
Why are elephants wrinkled?
The last guy to try to iron one didn't make it.
How do you get an elephant into a tree?
Plant acorn, add elephant, wait 50 years.
How do you get an elephant into a tree if you don't have 50 years?
Parachute him onto it.
Why is it not safe to climb trees at 3pm on Wednesday?
Parachute practice.
What's a furry brown alligator?
A bear that wandered into the woods at 3pm on Wednesday.
What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhinoceros?
Elphino. . . .
What do you get when you cross a kangaroo with an elephant?
Bloody big holes all over Australia.
What kind of elephants live at the North Pole?
Cold ones.
How do you keep an elephant from charging?
Take away his credit card.
Why do elephants have trunks?
Because you can't eat peanuts with a glove compartment.
Why do elephants wear yellow shoes?
So they can hide upside down in the custard.
Ever seen an elephant in the custard?
Of course not.
How can you find out if elephants are in your custard?
That's what the lumps are for.
Why do elephants travel in herds?
To get a wholesale discount on yellow shoes.
What does it mean when you see two elephants in green socks, an elephant in yellow socks, and two more elephants in green socks?
4 out of 5 elephants agree — green socks are better than yellow.
What does it mean when you see three elephants in pink shirts?
They're on the same team.
What do you get when you cross a river with an elephant?
To the other side.
How do you get an elephant out of the river?
Wet.
How do you make an elephant float?
Take 1 elephant, 2 tons of ice cream, and 1 ton of soda. Mix well.
How do elephants find each other in the dark?
Lovely.
How do you know if there's an elephant at the pub?
There's a bicycle parked out front.
How do you know if there are two elephants at the pub?
The bicycle has a dent in the crossbar.
How do you know if there are three elephants at the pub?
Look in the window and count them, stupid.
Why did the elephant fall out of the tree?
He was dead.
Why did the second elephant fall out of the tree?
He was hit by the first elephant.
Why did the third elephant fall out of the tree?
Peer pressure.
Why did the tree fall over?
It thought it was an elephant.
What do elephants have that humans don't?
Baby elephants.
How do you know the elephants have had a baby?
The stork called in sick with a hernia.
What has 4 legs, a trunk, and flies?
A dead elephant.
How do you bury a dead elephant?
It's a huge undertaking.
Cow Jokes
What do you call who's lost a child?
Decaffeinated.
What do you call a cow in tall grass?
Utterly tickled.
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef.
What do you call a cow with two legs?
Lean beef.
What do you call a cow who gives no milk?
A milk dud. (Or an udder failure, of course).
Cannibal Jokes
You hear about Bill the cannibal?
Relatively ordinary guy, had a house, a wife, ate children.
Did you hear about the cannibal who passed his friend on the way to the restroom?
Why don't cannibals eat clowns?
They taste funny.
What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?
He wiped his butt.
A cannibal's favorite book: "How to Serve Your Fellow Man"
Two cannibals are eating dinner. One says to the other, "Gosh, Bill, your wife makes a great meal."
Did you hear about the missionaries who visited a tribe of cannibals?
They wanted to give them a taste of religion.
Did you hear about the cannibal who was late for dinner?
He got the cold shoulder.
One Liners
So this baby seal walked into a club....
A Zen Buddhist walks up to the hotdog vendor and says, "Make me one with everything."
Jokes About Bears or Bars or Both (don't ask)
One atom bumps into another. The first one says, "You okay?"
The other answers, "No, I think I lost an electron."
The first asks, "Are you sure?"
"Yeah," the other replies. "I'm positive!"
So a neutron walks into a bar and asks how much for a beer. The bartender replies, "For you? No charge."
Two campers are walking through the forest when they suddenly encounter a grizzly bear! The bear rears up on his hind legs and lets out a terrifying roar. They're both frozen in their tracks.
The first camper whispers, "I'm sure glad I wore my running shoes today."
"It doesn't matter what kind of shoes you're wearing, you're not gonna outrun that bear," replies the second.
"I don't have to outrun the bear, I just have to outrun YOU," he answers.
A man is walking through the forest and runs a bear, who begins chasing him. Running for his life, the man shouts, "Oh God! Please help me!"
God responds, "Why should I help you? You've never called on me before, but now that you're in trouble, you expect me to be there for you?"
The man replies, "Well, at least make the bear into a good Christian then!"
Suddenly the bear stops, puts his paws together, and says "Dear Lord, thank you for this meal you've set before me...."
A bear walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, I'd like a gin and . . . . . . . . . . . . . . tonic.
The bartender asks, "Why the big pause?"
The bear answers, "Born with them, I guess."
A panda walks into a restaurant and orders dinner. When the waiter brings the check, the panda suddenly stands up, shoots the waiter, and goes running out the door.
A witness can't help shouting, "How could you do such a thing?!?"
The fleeing animal responds, "I'm a panda. Look it up."
Not knowing what else to do, the witness finds a dictionary and reads:
Panda — an asian mammal that eats shoots and leaves.
Rene Descartes is sitting in a bar. The bartender asks if he'd like another pint.
"I think not," he answers, and disappears.
Charles Dickens: Please, sir, I'd like a martini.
Bartender: Sure thing. Olive or twist?
James Joyce: I'll take a Guinness.
Bartender: So Charles Dickens was in here yesterday.
James Joyce: (drinks)
Bartender: And he asked for a martini and I said, "Olive or twist?"
James Joyce: (drinks)
Bartender: You see, it's funny because he wrote a book called "Oliver Twist."
James Joyce: What a shitty joke.
Ernest Hemingway: Gin.
Bartender: So Charles Dickens was in here two days ago.
Ernest Hemingway: Joyce already told me that story. Fuck off.
Mark Twain: Give me a brandy.
Bartender: So Charles Dickens came in the other day and ordered a martini.
Mark Twain: Did he take an olive or twist? Ha ha ha!
Bartender: (tearful) You did that on purpose, didn't you?
Your Ordinary Unforgivably Dumb Jokes
What is brown and sticky?
A stick.
What's orange and sounds like a parrot?
A carrot
How do you catch a unique rabbit?
"Unique" up on it.
How do you catch a tame rabbit?
"Tame" way.
What do you call a defective boomerang?
A stick.
What do you call a fish with no eye?
FSH.
What do you call a deer with no eye?
No ideer.
What do you call bears with no ears?
B.
What do you call a dog with no legs?
Doesn't matter— he can't come to you anyway.
What do you do with a dog with no legs?
Take him out for a drag.
When geese fly south, why is one side of the V usually longer than
the other?
There are more geese on that side.
What do you call Santa's helpers?
Subordinate clauses.
What's yellow and gooey and smells like bananas?
Monkey snot.
Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
They have big fingers.
Why does Tigger smell bad?
He's always playing with pooh.
What do Billy the Kid and Winnie the Pooh have in common?
Same middle name.
What do you call a missing parrot?
A polygon.
Did you hear about the cat who swallowed a ball of yarn?
She had mittens.
Did you hear about the human cannonball who lost his job?
They needed a guy of better caliber.
What do you get when you cross an alligator and a railroad track?
Three pieces of alligator.
What has four legs and is green and fuzzy, and if it falls out of a tree will kill you?
A pool table.
Vegetable and Fruit Jokes
How do you make a strawberry shake?
Put it into the freezer until it shivers.
What's green and sings?
Elvis Parsley.
How do you make a peach into a vegetable?
Step on it and make it squash.
Why did the orange stop running?
It ran out of juice.
You know how to make gold soup?
Add 24 carrots.
Which part of a vegetable is the hardest part to eat?
The wheelchair.
What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
Anyone can roast beef.
Did you hear about the two peanuts who were out too late?
One was a salted.
A mushroom walks into a bar. The bartender says, "We don't serve vegetables!" The mushroom responds, "But I'm a fungi!"
Why were the little strawberries sad?
Because their parents were stuck in a jam.
Elephant Jokes
How do you kill a blue elephant?
With a blue elephant gun.
How do you kill a pink elephant?
Hold its nose until it turns blue, and shoot it with a blue elephant gun.
How do you kill a white elephant?
Tickle it pink, hold its nose until it turns blue, and shoot it with a blue elephant gun.
How do you kill a yellow elephant?
Who's ever heard of a yellow elephant?
Why do elephants wear sandals?
So they don't sink in the sand.
Why do ostriches stick their head in the ground?
To look for elephants who forgot their sandals.
What's the difference between an elephant and a pickle?
Pickles forget.
What's the difference between an elephant and a grape?
Grapes are purple.
What did Jane say when the elephants came over the hill?
"Look, here come the grapes!" (Jane was colorblind.)
What did Tarzan say when the elephants came over the hill?
"Pack your bags, Jane. Here come the elephants!" Tarzan wasn't colorblind.
What did Tarzan say when the elephants wearing sunglasses came over the hill?
Nothing. He didn't recognize them.
What did Tarzan say when the giraffes came over the hill?
"You pesky elephants fooled me before, but not this time!"
How do you hide an elephant?
Paint his toenails red and put him up in an cherry tree.
Did you ever see an elephant in an cherry tree?
It works, doesn't it?
How did Tarzan die?
Picking cherries.
How many elephants fit in a Volkswagen?
Four. Two in the front and two in the back.
How do you put an elephant into a Volkswagen?
Open door, insert the elephant, close door.
How do you put an elephant into the refrigerator?
Open Volkswagen door, remove elephant, close Volkswagen door, open refrigerator door, insert elephant, close refrigerator door.
How do you get a giraffe into the refrigerator?
Open door, remove elephant, insert giraffe, close door.
The lions threw a party and invited all the animals. They all came except for one. Which?
The giraffe. He was still in the refrigerator.
How do you know if an elephant has been in your refrigerator?
Footprints in the butter.
How do you know if two elephants are in your refrigerator?
Two sets of footprints in the butter.
How do you know if three elephants are in your refrigerator?
You can't get the door closed.
How do you know if four elephants are in your refrigerator?
There's a Volkswagen parked out front.
How do you fit eight elephants into the refrigerator?
Put four in a Volkswagen, four in a second Volkswagen, open the refrigerator door, insert Volkswagens, close refrigerator door. (A fridge big enough to hold four elephants can surely hold two Volkswagens.)
Why are there so many elephants in the jungle?
No one had a refrigerator big enough to hold them all.
How do you know if Tarzan is in your refrigerator?
The air vent goes, "Aiyeee-oyoooooh-oyoooooooooh!"
How do you get two Tarzans in the refrigerator?
There's only one Tarzan, silly.
How many legs does an elephant have?
Four. Two in the front and two in the back.
Why don't elephants make good dancers?
They have two left feet.
What's flat and feathery and half an inch tall?
A duck who tried to teach an elephant how to dance.
Why do ducks have webbed feet?
To stomp out forest fires.
Why do elephants have flat feet?
To stomp out flaming ducks. [This was voted the #1 funniest joke in Belgium, by the way]
What did the elephant say when the tiger grabbed his tail?
"Yep, that's the end of me."
What do you find between an elephant's toes?
Slow pygmies.
What do you do if you get eaten by an elephant?
Run around and around until you're pooped out.
How do you know if there's an elephant in your sandwich?
It's too heavy to lift off the plate.
How do you know if there's an elephant hiding under your bed?
Your nose touches the ceiling.
Why are elephants wrinkled?
The last guy to try to iron one didn't make it.
How do you get an elephant into a tree?
Plant acorn, add elephant, wait 50 years.
How do you get an elephant into a tree if you don't have 50 years?
Parachute him onto it.
Why is it not safe to climb trees at 3pm on Wednesday?
Parachute practice.
What's a furry brown alligator?
A bear that wandered into the woods at 3pm on Wednesday.
What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhinoceros?
Elphino. . . .
What do you get when you cross a kangaroo with an elephant?
Bloody big holes all over Australia.
What kind of elephants live at the North Pole?
Cold ones.
How do you keep an elephant from charging?
Take away his credit card.
Why do elephants have trunks?
Because you can't eat peanuts with a glove compartment.
Why do elephants wear yellow shoes?
So they can hide upside down in the custard.
Ever seen an elephant in the custard?
Of course not.
How can you find out if elephants are in your custard?
That's what the lumps are for.
Why do elephants travel in herds?
To get a wholesale discount on yellow shoes.
What does it mean when you see two elephants in green socks, an elephant in yellow socks, and two more elephants in green socks?
4 out of 5 elephants agree — green socks are better than yellow.
What does it mean when you see three elephants in pink shirts?
They're on the same team.
What do you get when you cross a river with an elephant?
To the other side.
How do you get an elephant out of the river?
Wet.
How do you make an elephant float?
Take 1 elephant, 2 tons of ice cream, and 1 ton of soda. Mix well.
How do elephants find each other in the dark?
Lovely.
How do you know if there's an elephant at the pub?
There's a bicycle parked out front.
How do you know if there are two elephants at the pub?
The bicycle has a dent in the crossbar.
How do you know if there are three elephants at the pub?
Look in the window and count them, stupid.
Why did the elephant fall out of the tree?
He was dead.
Why did the second elephant fall out of the tree?
He was hit by the first elephant.
Why did the third elephant fall out of the tree?
Peer pressure.
Why did the tree fall over?
It thought it was an elephant.
What do elephants have that humans don't?
Baby elephants.
How do you know the elephants have had a baby?
The stork called in sick with a hernia.
What has 4 legs, a trunk, and flies?
A dead elephant.
How do you bury a dead elephant?
It's a huge undertaking.
Cow Jokes
What do you call who's lost a child?
Decaffeinated.
What do you call a cow in tall grass?
Utterly tickled.
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef.
What do you call a cow with two legs?
Lean beef.
What do you call a cow who gives no milk?
A milk dud. (Or an udder failure, of course).
Cannibal Jokes
You hear about Bill the cannibal?
Relatively ordinary guy, had a house, a wife, ate children.
Did you hear about the cannibal who passed his friend on the way to the restroom?
Why don't cannibals eat clowns?
They taste funny.
What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?
He wiped his butt.
A cannibal's favorite book: "How to Serve Your Fellow Man"
Two cannibals are eating dinner. One says to the other, "Gosh, Bill, your wife makes a great meal."
Did you hear about the missionaries who visited a tribe of cannibals?
They wanted to give them a taste of religion.
Did you hear about the cannibal who was late for dinner?
He got the cold shoulder.
One Liners
So this baby seal walked into a club....
A Zen Buddhist walks up to the hotdog vendor and says, "Make me one with everything."
Jokes About Bears or Bars or Both (don't ask)
One atom bumps into another. The first one says, "You okay?"
The other answers, "No, I think I lost an electron."
The first asks, "Are you sure?"
"Yeah," the other replies. "I'm positive!"
So a neutron walks into a bar and asks how much for a beer. The bartender replies, "For you? No charge."
Two campers are walking through the forest when they suddenly encounter a grizzly bear! The bear rears up on his hind legs and lets out a terrifying roar. They're both frozen in their tracks.
The first camper whispers, "I'm sure glad I wore my running shoes today."
"It doesn't matter what kind of shoes you're wearing, you're not gonna outrun that bear," replies the second.
"I don't have to outrun the bear, I just have to outrun YOU," he answers.
A man is walking through the forest and runs a bear, who begins chasing him. Running for his life, the man shouts, "Oh God! Please help me!"
God responds, "Why should I help you? You've never called on me before, but now that you're in trouble, you expect me to be there for you?"
The man replies, "Well, at least make the bear into a good Christian then!"
Suddenly the bear stops, puts his paws together, and says "Dear Lord, thank you for this meal you've set before me...."
A bear walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, I'd like a gin and . . . . . . . . . . . . . . tonic.
The bartender asks, "Why the big pause?"
The bear answers, "Born with them, I guess."
A panda walks into a restaurant and orders dinner. When the waiter brings the check, the panda suddenly stands up, shoots the waiter, and goes running out the door.
A witness can't help shouting, "How could you do such a thing?!?"
The fleeing animal responds, "I'm a panda. Look it up."
Not knowing what else to do, the witness finds a dictionary and reads:
Panda — an asian mammal that eats shoots and leaves.
Rene Descartes is sitting in a bar. The bartender asks if he'd like another pint.
"I think not," he answers, and disappears.
Charles Dickens: Please, sir, I'd like a martini.
Bartender: Sure thing. Olive or twist?
James Joyce: I'll take a Guinness.
Bartender: So Charles Dickens was in here yesterday.
James Joyce: (drinks)
Bartender: And he asked for a martini and I said, "Olive or twist?"
James Joyce: (drinks)
Bartender: You see, it's funny because he wrote a book called "Oliver Twist."
James Joyce: What a shitty joke.
Ernest Hemingway: Gin.
Bartender: So Charles Dickens was in here two days ago.
Ernest Hemingway: Joyce already told me that story. Fuck off.
Mark Twain: Give me a brandy.
Bartender: So Charles Dickens came in the other day and ordered a martini.
Mark Twain: Did he take an olive or twist? Ha ha ha!
Bartender: (tearful) You did that on purpose, didn't you?